Pesky POVs

I'm taking a little stab at discussing craft today. I always feel a little phony doing this, since I'm not a professional writer. So I've written this as much to consolidate my own learning process as to be seen as a writing guru dispensing pearls of wisdom that no one else can provide.

I've done enough critiquing of other writer's stories by now to notice that some people have more trouble with point of view (pov) than others. Traditionally, most fantasy stories are written in third person, and recent years, most are in some form of limited third (with occasional dives into omniscient for prologues, introductory chapters or transitional scenes).

The greatest area of difficulty seems to be with writers who do something called head hopping. Usually, head hopping is accidental, but occasionally, I've read a scene that looks like it was written by a kangaroo on cappuccino but the author defends his or her approach by saying it's all right to head hop, because it's written in omniscient.

This often spawns a discussion (which can become heated) about authorial voice and whether it's a good idea for a beginner to try and write omniscient in the current market and whether stories where the reader is tightly tied to what the protagonist senses and knows are more engaging than ones where the reader can be aware of things the characters are not. But these debates bypass the fact that third person omniscient does not feel like head hopping when it's done properly. To put it another way, saying you are writing in omniscient does not make head hopping okay.

There are a ton of bloggers out there who have done a good job of discussing the various points of view in writing and who refer readers to various published works for examples. I'm going to take a different approach with this piece. I took a very short snippet from a chapter in my book that takes place at a party (the original is written is a fairly close or deep third pov) and had some fun rewriting it into different povs and as a head hoppy passage. I am hoping that it illustrates the differences in a fairly concrete way.

Limited third person (deep or close):

Jarrod smiled stiffly as Master Eammon introduced him to a bewildering array of people. Councilors, entertainers, academics--the mage seemed to know all sorts. Everyone's eyes lingered on his face for an extra second before flicking politely away.

Tesk flashed him one of her heart-stopping smiles. "Don't worry about them." Her green dress showed just enough silky-smooth skin to make him tingle in ways he didn't want to think about in public. How had he ever thought of her as ordinary? He averted his eyes before she caught him staring like the damned fool that he was. No woman in her right mind would welcome attention from a battered husk like him.

This is very similar to how it might be written first, except for the pronouns. This is my favorite pov to read and write, but I'll admit that I do hybridize it with a more detached pov sometimes, especially in scenes where I need to clarify that something is a thought or a realization or whatever, or when doing so just makes things feel a little clearer.

Limited third (more detached):

Jarrod smiled stiffly as Master Eammon introduced him to a bewildering array of people. Councilors, entertainers, academics--the mage seemed to know all sorts. Jarrod noticed that everyone's eyes lingered on his face for an extra second before flicking politely away.

"Don't worry about them." Tesk flashed him one of her heart-stopping smiles. Her green dress showed just enough silky-smooth skin to make Jarrod tingle in ways he didn't want to think about in public.

How did I ever think of her as ordinary? he wondered. He averted his eyes, knowing he was staring at her like a damned fool. He doubted that any woman in her right mind would welcome attention from a battered husk like him.

This is similar to the previous passage. We're still only getting Jarrod's pov and we're still seeing inside his head, but notice how I've changed the wording in a few places. I'm tagging some of the things Jarrod is noticing, doubting or thinking as such, rather than simply stating them directly. Also, there is an extra paragraph break, since turning Jarrod's thought about Tesk not being ordinary into a tagged "internal dialog" creates what is, in essence, a new speaker. So we need a paragraph shift.

Third omniscient:

Jarrod smiled stiffly as Master Eammon introduced him to a bewildering array of people. Councilors, entertainers, academics--the mage seemed to know all sorts. Everyone noticed Jarrod's scarred and branded face and stared for an extra second before remembering their manners and looking away.

"Don't worry about them." Tesk flashed him a smile, knowing full well that her green dress showed just enough silky-smooth skin to make Jarrod tingle in ways he didn't want to think about in public.

Completely unaware that she'd selected the dress with him in mind, Jarrod averted his eyes. How did I ever think of her as ordinary? he wondered. He doubted that any woman in her right mind would welcome attention from a battered husk like him.

Writing this was a bit harder for me, because I don't generally write in omniscient, and few of the books I've read in recent years are written in this pov. I had to pull some of my older books from my shelves for a refresher on how the authors did it. Someone more used to writing in this pov could probably provide a better example than I have.

But notice how we now are privy to some information that Jarrod isn't. We know that the people Eammon is introducing him to actually do notice his face and it's not just Jarrod's perception that they do. We also discover that Tesk wanted Jarrod to notice her dress, even though Jarrod doesn't know this. What I did not do was present "deep" thoughts from different characters without tagging (or present deep thoughts from different characters in the same paragraph).

I've encountered some conflicting advice about how important a strong narrative presence is with omniscient. It's certainly stronger and more noticeable than it is with either type of third. There is a type of omniscient (exemplified by CS Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia) where the narrator is almost a character in the story at times. With the narrator telling you the story, you're less likely to get confused when he or she tells you about what different characters are seeing and thinking, because you are really inside the narrator's head. But not all omniscient narratives are exactly the same. Examples of more modern novels with omniscient povs would be The Hitchhiker's Guide books by Douglas Adams, and even parts of the opening chapters in JK Rowling's Harry Potter Books (though she then reverts to a more limited third for pretty much the rest of each book).

Head Hopping:

Jarrod smiled stiffly as Master Eammon introduced him to a bewildering array of people. Councilors, entertainers, academics--the mage seemed to know all sorts. Everyone noticed Jarrod's scarred and branded face an stared for an extra second before they remembered their manners and looked away. Did they have to stare at him?

"Don't worry about them." Tesk flashed him a smile. Hopefully, he wasn't feeling too self conscious. Her green dress showed just enough silky-smooth skin to make Jarrod tingle in ways he didn't want to dwell on in public. How had he ever thought of her as ordinary? Completely unaware that she'd selected the dress with him in mind, he averted his eyes.  He doubted that any woman in her right mind would welcome the attentions of a battered husk like him.

This scene violates a couple of rules, which make it hard for a reader to follow it (well, I know I can't follow it, and I wrote it). Firstly, we are switching perspectives/pov in the same paragraph--and in back to back sentences at that. Secondly, we are Putting untagged, "deep pov" type sentences (how had he ever thought of her as ordinary? and Hopefully, he wasn't feeling too self conscious) in the middle of paragraphs that have more than one pov/perspective presented in it. Not tagging the pov in an omniscient scene will confuse readers. It's a bit like mixing two flavors that are delicious separately but yucky in the same dish.

Omniscient is a tough pov to get right, though there are some wonderful novels that make use of it. I am a firm believer that there are few (if any) hard and fast rules in writing (well, commas splices are always bad, I think). But if your reviewers are confused or say they think you're head hopping when you're shooting for omniscient, it probably means you haven't gotten it quite right.